My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
