I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Your cock deserves a montage
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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