I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
