I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
