Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
