walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
