Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
