I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
