hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just gift wrapped bread.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
