i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
