I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
pop tarts are not kleenex
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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