i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
