whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
