I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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