u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
