Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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