Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
