I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
