What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
