I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
