I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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