im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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