nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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