The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
