It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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