note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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