u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
