The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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