I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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