I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
