she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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