last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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