Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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