I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
