My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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