how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
