the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
