remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
