he wants to bone in the snuggie
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
