letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
