My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
