the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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