Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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