I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
whose parrot is this?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
