Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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