Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
