im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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