I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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