mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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