i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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