if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
